An open letter to Stephen Sommers, writer and director of Van Helsing.
Dear Mr. Sommers,
I just got back from viewing your latest film, Van Helsing. With it you were handed a dream – several classic franchises with rich histories both in film and in literature. You had Count Dracula, the werewolf, Frankenstein, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde all at your disposal. You were also given a rumored $150 million to make it with.
Well somewhere it all got screwed up because Van Helsing is horrible. And since you’re so into yelling in your film, as demonstrated by the constant barrage of screaming, I’ll return the favour. VAN HELSING IS HORRIBLE!!!! Pardon the use of multiple exclamation points. Whether it’s Count Vladislaus Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), his shrieking flying harem, the Sloth-esque (think The Goonies) Frankenstein’s Monster (Shuler Hensley) or any of the common villagers, Van Helsing wasted far too much of its time trying to get my attention through loud voices. What, weren’t the thousands of digital special effects and stylessly dizzying camera enough? Apparently not. You see Mr. Sommers, when I was a wee lad my sister won tickets to a Skid Row concert off a radio station and my mom made her take me. I left that concert deaf for a night and that was all right because the surrounding show was good. Your film didn’t have such a luxury.
You had the Universal Monsters at your whim and you gave us Wild, Wild West in a trench coat. There’s lots of neat gadgets and gizmos at Van Helsing’s (Hugh Jackman) disposal. I wondered why when they didn’t fit the film’s timeframe. They stuck out in a bad way for me. But I guess it comes back to the point that they look cool so that should be enough. Well your entire movie looks ‘cool’ and on the way to redemption the film still takes a wrong turn.
With so many franchises to use, I can see how it would be tough to get them all into a single, comprehensible story. From the outset, the expectations for Van Helsing were high. Maybe even too high. The story that you came up with does bring together all of the characters in a comprehensible way. However, it’s not at all interesting. Although it makes sense, I got the feeling they were all brought together simply because you could.
And now onto the special effects, literally the only part of the film that shows any animation. We’ve come a long way since King Kong. Technology now allows us to create reality through binary code. A budget of $150 million doesn’t hurt either. But even in a fictional time of vampires, werewolves and monster hunting cowboys in black trench coats, I never got the sense that your vision of Transylvania was real, even in the world of the film. With all the effects and digitization, I never once felt life on the screen. Is the fact that many of your characters are dead to begin with excuse enough? Ironic, perhaps, but not an excuse.
While I doubt the day will never come, I do hope Mr. Sommers, I can one day waste two hours of your life as you have done mine (I’ll let you keep the 12 minutes of overrun). I contemplate what it is we might do. Make potato-stamp wrapping paper? Go to McDonald’s and connect straws until we get a two-meter pole? Sing karaoke to The Proclaimers? I haven’t made up my mind yet other than it will have something to do with yelling, lots and lots of yelling.
I do hope, Mr. Sommers, that you take this letter with the best of intentions. I am merely a lover of film who hopes to one day see the day where the marriage between digital eye candy and story can happen in a blatant franchise studio cash grab.
Sincerely,
Ryan Cracknell
Van Helsing Gallery
Trailer
